Meandering Through Life with Grace and Intuition

From My Sketchbook

2012-01-26T15:44:00.000-06:00

January 21 2012

2012-01-21T17:08:00.000-06:00

Heather Jerdee 2012

January 20 2012

2012-01-20T13:45:00.000-06:00

Heather Jerdee 2012

Chair

2012-01-09T12:29:00.000-06:00

I decorated and painted a chair for a benefit for my local Boys&Girls club. I did it in three days, really quick it was fun and something different to do.

Yes to Genuine New Starts Everyday

2012-01-02T16:01:00.000-06:00

Self ~ Imperfect and Perfect

“I think art is a total thing. A total person giving a contribution. It is in essence a soul, and that’s what it’s about... In my inner soul art and life are inseparable...” -Eva Hesse

2011-12-20T08:58:00.000-06:00

Sol LeWitt's letter to Eva Hesse

My friend Eve gave me this Bob Ross oil paining kit she had and has never used recently. For a broke artist this is one fantastic, treasured gift. And our mutual friend Jenny who is also an artist, is coming from out of state to visit for Christmas. It is making the holidays a whole lot more merrier thinking of her coming, I haven't seen her since this summer.:) We are having a sleep over Christmas Eve and she is spending Christmas day with me, my husband and son's. We are going to eat good food, open presents and have one arty Christmas.

Happy Holidays!

What The Hell

2011-12-10T18:10:00.000-06:00

Self

2011-12-02T20:57:00.000-06:00

Learning to Not Disappear

2011-11-30T10:38:00.000-06:00

Learning to Not Disappear ~ Heather Jerdee

Louise Bourgeois

2011-11-28T20:58:00.000-06:00

Found here Anticipated Stranger

and listening

Serendipity

2011-11-18T07:07:00.000-06:00

From Taking Back Everything.
I collect the fortunes from fortune cookies, I have since high school. At the time I received this one I was just coming to terms that I had PTSD from going through childhood sexual abuse and being in a abusive relationship as a adult woman. Shortly after that I was lead to start reading my friend Jenny's blog. Something had a plan for me that I would meet a few life long kindred spirits. I met my friend Eve through Jenny's blog and they introduced me to others. And now we all have met and are meeting more, survivors and community.

There is goodness.

Being Real and Learning Safety

2011-11-11T14:04:00.000-06:00

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Heather Jerdee ~2011

I have been having a hard time writing, I think it goes in cycles. Certain things I am working on and healing from the past come up and out in my life and I want to clam up. I was talking to my friend Eve about singing yesterday, Eve sings and another friend of ours mentioned that she is thinking about voice lessons. It sparked something in me, inspiration and hope. I used to sing as a little girl and I was always in some sort of choir growing up. But I was highly self conscious of my voice, who I really was, and what I could create... all of it. I was bad to the core, period. I felt I had to be great - perfect if I was going to be myself or follow who I really wanted to be. This of course was impossible. Failure or mistakes of any kind were a source of intense shame. I went from extremes of being compliant to rebellious. I wasn't good enough at all and nothing I did or was, was good enough at all. I didn't know that learning something new and sticking with your dreams can be a way of life, a way to heal, a way to have hope and a way to find yourself. I didn't know mistakes and failures are part of learning and are part of being real. I shut down, I tried to eradicated my sense of self. To protect others, to survive, to cope, to stay alive. I didn't know I had the right to learn, the freedom to learn ...to grow with out abuse. I now know I have these rights and the right to have not have any abuse in my life anymore.

Through conversations with friends and therapy I have learned that self hatred, self blame, self criticism, self anger and the shaming of oneself is self harm. I have habits conscious and unconscious of all these things that started as a child, they are what my mind has known. My thoughts and feelings still want to hold on to these things as way for me to get through life. But I have been learning and realizing I have other options. I can sit and witness these emotions, I have very slowly, started to let my body feel what these things feel like in my body instead of pushing them away or taking them in deeply and personally. I can talk and express them authentically to others whom I trust and others who will encourage me to look at what these things are really about. These are some of the things I am learning now as an adult woman, this process is hard and one I am trying to be patient with myself with, another new one for me.

It is safe now to look in the mirror at myself as a human no more and no less than than anyone else.
It is safe now to look past my defenses and see things in my ego I want to change and areas I want to see growth with.
It is safe now to see that I am loved and I love others.
It is safe now to see that I have beauty and worth inside.

I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am. ~Sylvia Plath

2011-11-09T14:28:00.000-06:00

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Quick

2011-11-08T12:54:00.001-06:00

I decided to make some quick art last night. I gave myself a half an hour and I just made them. I took a few days off from my painting and I am going back to it I feel like I have a better sense of where it needs to go. I am off now to go take some photos, we are supposed to be getting snow here, so maybe I'll take some photos of snow.

The Process Can be a Grand Thing at Times.

2011-10-28T08:37:00.000-05:00

Off to paint the day the away.

Inspiration Stacy Kathryn

2011-10-27T10:23:00.000-05:00

Stacy Kathryn

Self Portrait ~ 2011

Follow Love ~ Stacy Kathryn

Stacy Kathryn

Exquisite Voice ~ Stacy Kathryn

Lost at Sea ~ Stacy Kathryn

Stacy Kathryn

Gather Light ~ Stacy Kathryn

Stacy Kathryn

Today I am sharing my friend Stacy's art that inspires me. Stacy also makes and sells beautiful jewelry. I first saw Stacy's art on the 30 day artist site and right away I emailed her, I really connected with her work, I also felt she was a person I wanted to connect with and she ended up being an inspiration for me to do the 30 day artist challenge too. You can find out lots more about Stacy's work and her read her fantastic blog here. :)

Great way to start the day off.

2011-10-26T10:20:00.000-05:00

Texture

2011-10-20T14:21:00.001-05:00

I just learned how to apply textures to my photos, I have been wanting to for awhile and its pretty easy. One of my favorite sites on the internet is The Coffee Shop Blog. I use Photoshop Elements and there is loads of free actions and textures that Rita offers. Really cool and lots fun.

I also just wrote something on the Cycle of Healing about emotional abuse here . Emotional abuse can seem not as bad as other forms of abuse but that's not the case, it is. It's just as traumatic and takes time to heal from just as much.

Have a creative day :)

100

2011-10-17T11:32:00.000-05:00

I have posted over a 100 self portraits with my friends on our blog Taking Back Everything.

Fall

2011-10-13T09:53:00.001-05:00

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Create

2011-10-12T11:08:00.001-05:00

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

This is my friend Dustin, you can find out more about Dustin's fantastic art and be inspired here.

I have been working on getting 365 photos in around six months on my flickr page and I am getting close. More photos to come this week. Have a creative day :)

"We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

2011-10-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Cycle of Healing

Inspiration Amy Willis

2011-10-10T11:51:00.000-05:00


Amy Willis


Amy Willis ~ All Apologies


Amy Willis ~ Unicorn with the Golden Horn

Amy Willis ~ Untitled

Amy Willis ~ Success in Art

Amy Willis ~ Blue Jay

Amy Willis ~ Phoenix In Flight


Amy Willis ~ Verda

Amy Willis ~ Polar Opposites

Amy Willis ~ Untitled

Amy Willis ~ La Sirena

This is my friend Amy Willis and just some of her paintings and drawings that inspire me. Not only do I love Amy's visual art she is creative in many ways. A few of her other talents she bakes, and she plays fantastic music on a local radio station where she lives and she has creates her own music too. You can find out more about Amy on her blog There is Beauty in Chance , and here.

Painting in Progress

2011-10-04T10:47:00.002-05:00

Learning to Not Disappear ~ Work in Progress ~ 2011

Portraits With Eve

2011-10-02T14:53:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Heather Jerdee ~2011

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

My friend Eve and I drove up to Minneapolis yesterday to drop off one of my paintings that is in a group show this month. We visited a friend of mine and I met a friend of Eve's and her boyfriend for lunch. It was a packed day but we both needed a short get away, a day to talk and de-stress. Eve has a minor in photography and we both have love for taking photos, she took the photos of me and I took the photo of her.

I am very grateful for the Taking Back Everything blog, I am a part of. There is something about joining others and recording moments of time everyday that is healing. Whether it is a day I am celebrating something, struggling with something or just a busy day and I am taking a quick photo. I am living everyday, recording these days in the present and I have visual reminders of that.

From My Sketchbook

2011-09-30T09:23:00.002-05:00

Important ~ Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Return

2011-09-27T11:52:00.001-05:00

Heather Jerdee ~2011

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Heather Jerdee ~2011

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Last week I was sick all week, in fact I am still not a hundred percent better. But much better than what I felt last week. I have been upset with myself that I didn't make any art or blog at all last week and my inner critic has been running around rampant in my brain. I am putting a end to that today.

Good Morning

2011-09-20T07:57:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee 2011

      " If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary human life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence."
                                                                     ~ George Eliot

Voice

2011-09-19T21:51:00.000-05:00


Heather Jerdee 2011

I am sick... yuck but I finished my drawing. I have also been cleaning out my studio so I can have room to paint again (yay!) it's always a big project, I'm a pack rat and I think I can do something with anything. Not every single idea is an idea to follow through with, I have to get rid of some things. I'm also getting organized so I can get more of my art work out of my house where it can be seen by other people.

My friend Jenny and I were talking about goals with our art and making a body of work this fall, winter and spring, a series. I had already thought that was the direction I wanted to go in more focused, but talking about it out loud is giving me more excitement. I also have a friend Lori that is a web designer has been patiently waiting for me to figure out when I want to start a website for my art and I keep thinking my art isn't ready for that yet. So... I want to get to work and make that website happen and show whatever it is I end up making.

Finally I think I am picking more raspberries this week :)

Better

2011-09-18T19:37:00.000-05:00

I have blogged on the Cycle of Healing here and here.

Creative Rituals

2011-09-16T09:07:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee 2011

I love to take drives through the country and stop and take photos, especially this time of year. The colors, changes and sometimes melancholy, I think it is a way for me to prepare or help me ease into the winter months. And there is something about taking a hour every so often just to aimlessly see, feel and document what I want that is a important part of my creative process and has been. So here are some photos from my meandering drive the other day.

Heather Jerdee 2011

Made My Day

2011-09-14T08:41:00.000-05:00

I saw this yesterday morning here and it made my day. There is a series of videos of Ira Glass speaking on storytelling here on YouTube. Really good.

I am working more this week picking raspberries with my friend , I am grateful for the extra income. Although I am sore, it's been low stress and besides working on my art, working outside with nature is one of my favorite things to do. I am also working on a drawing that I hope to finish up soon and I have more photos I have been taking.

Heather Jerdee 2011

Have a good day :)

"We have to Create. It is The Only Thing Louder Than Destruction."

2011-09-13T07:41:00.003-05:00

Processing

2011-09-12T11:11:00.000-05:00


Heather Jerdee 2011


Heather Jerdee 2011

Heather Jerdee 2011


Heather Jerdee 2011

Heather Jerdee 2011

2011-09-10T13:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I spent the day with one of my friends picking raspberries all day. Her family sells them along with other things they grow at the local farmers market. This friend of mine, was my manager at the nursery and garden center we both worked at last summer. While I have been glad that I have been able to be at home making art and we have been learning more and more on how to get by on what we need. I missed the actual work of working at the nursery. My muscles are pretty sore today but it was a lot of fun.

Friendship

2011-09-08T18:03:00.000-05:00

I have written on the Cycle of Healing about friendship and my friendship with my friend Britta. Friendship means the world to me.

Passionate Knowing

2011-09-08T16:00:00.000-05:00

Today ~ Self portrait

From the book Women's Ways of Knowing

" Becoming and staying aware of the workings of their minds are vital to the constructivist women's sense of well being. Self- awareness aids them in setting the ground rules for their interactions with others and in self -definition. Constructivists seek to stretch the outer boundaries of their consciousnesses---by making the unconscious conscious, by consulting and listening to the self, by voicing the unsaid, by listening to others and staying alert to all the currents and undercurrents of life about them, by imagining themselves inside the new poem or person or idea that they want to know to come and understand. "

"Among women thinking as constructivists, connected knowing is not simply an "object" procedure but a way of weaving their passions and intellectual life into some recognizable whole."

2011-09-08T11:25:00.002-05:00

Self Portraits and Friendship

2011-09-07T18:59:00.000-05:00

My friend Eve gave me these jeans, I only had one pair of jeans about a month or so ago that didn't have paint on them. Now I have three. My friendships with other women and our self portrait blog have been inspiring me lately to keep growing in accepting myself more and more. Inside and outside.

My friend Jenny and I were discussing how our friend Eve has one of the healthiest senses of self we know. She is honest about herself and she has struggles at times but she seems to make the choice not to go down the self loathing road. And as her friend I haven't seen her do that. I love that and I admire that about my friend. Also I think this sort of honesty and self compassion about the self is contagious. Just by Eve being Eve I am learning from her. I told Eve the world needs her and you bet this world does. This world needs me and the world needs you too.

2011-09-07T13:11:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee 2011

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
--- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Heather Jerdee 2011

A Thought

2011-09-06T17:11:00.000-05:00

The exploration with compassion to ourselves of our emotional triggers is one of the ways we can find how to free ourselves from being victims.

2011-09-06T13:19:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee 2011

Both of my son's went back to school today, my husband has a few days off so it's kinda like a mini vacation of sorts. I'm feeling pretty relaxed and it is a gorgeous day for a bike ride and to draw outside. Hope you are having a creative day.

Be The Change

2011-09-05T17:20:00.000-05:00

You want to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Hi Lloyd,Winston and other peoples cats that my owner knows, it's me Herbie riding a bicycle! :)

Change

2011-09-05T13:37:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

I have mentioned that Jenny, Eve and I have been going through the SIA Twelve Steps on the phone nightly for a while. We read through them laugh, cry, listen and talk. Sometimes I have had anxiety attacks while on the phone with them and they have been there on the phone with me reminding that it is 2011. I am truly grateful for that. We ask each other are you sure there isn't more on your mind? Usually eventually in the course of the conversation there is. I feel vulnerability and safety are some of the greatest gifts we can give each other in friendship.

But we don't usually address the questions at the end of the each step. We are aware we don't, it's difficult sometimes painful and they would probably help us apply the steps to our lives that much more. Change and growth can feel scary. So Jenny and I have decide to really step the steps. Reading through the questions, thinking about our answers to them, journaling and blogging about them. If you are interested in joining us let us know Jenny posted something on her blog and the Cycle of Healing we would love to have you join us.

From the First Step

" We could no longer ignore the sexual abuse; we could no longer deny that it happened to us. Nor could we deny that it continued to affect us to varying degrees, even today. Admitting to the powerlessness and unmanageability of our lives was a gradual process that began when we surrendered to the fact that the sexual abuse had happened, when we relinquished some control over that terrible secret."

" Taking the First Step did not degrade us; it was the sexual abuse that was degrading. Nor did it mean that we saw ourselves as victims unable to do anything positive or to make changes in our lives. On the contrary, it was the First Step in making changes in the way we viewed our victimization, our selves and our lives. It was letting go of our old attempts to "control" our feelings, other people and events and the secrecy of incest in our lives. It was the beginning of freedom from all responsibility, guilt and shame we felt as victims and a complementary freedom to live a new life based on our emerging strengths, to live as survivors."

Before I met Jenny and Eve I had a negative view of SIA, I had thought "does there have to be a twelve step program for everything?" I think a few of the reasons why I was so quick to judge was the I knew you had to acknowledge a higher power, which was triggering for me. I grew up in a religious home and I have been working on detaching from what I was taught growing up and freeing myself and being honest about what I really believe or don't believe. A couple of years ago I just admitted to myself I love the fact that when it comes to God or a higher power I have way more questions than answers. That has been freeing.

I have another friend who is reading Mindfulness and The Twelve Steps and showed it to me the other week. It's payday tomorrow so I think I will be ordering it. Jenny is also currently reading a book about Buddhism and The Twelve Steps.

Another reason I was hesitant about a Twelve Step program for sexual abuse is I was scared it would be about blame or I would see myself as bad. I had grown up in my family acting out as the bad one and even though I knew inside that all the denial in my family was really what was dysfunctional, I took on the role of the black sheep. So admitting that I needed to do a Twelve Step program was a confirmation of that. I don't feel that way now I realize admitting I need SIA, therapy, my mindfulness and meditation group, getting honest about my own denial, self blame and supportive friends are a strength.

Another good friend of mine wrote this on her blog and I read it this morning.

" Wikipedia states: A disability may be physical, cognitive, sensory, emotional, developmental or some combination of these. I would venture to guess many people would fit under this umbrella of definition.

The interesting part is how we live with the disability. I think many times I live as a survivor, but also as the victim. Victim will jump in my life when "I feel sorry for myself." I read somewhere, the key is to live life to the fullest each day, not as a survivor or victim but as a human being with blessings and challenges."

2011-09-04T13:55:00.001-05:00

Heather Jerdee 2011

I am taking a break from Facebook for a week. I still want to be blogging here, on the Cycle of Healing and Taking Back Everything. And I have a Flickr accountant that I enjoy. I may pop back on Facebook to check and add to the Cycle of Healing page, we have a good, supportive Facebook page.

I'm hoping to be more focused in my art this week, my son's go back to school this week and I am also facing some issues in my life that I hope to write more about on the Cycle of Healing. Write about it, talk about it and just get it out. Right now I keep on feeling on and off like imaginary hands are clasped around my throat. I am adult now I have choices, I can write and speak.

And I am rereading a book Woman's Inhumanity to Woman by Phyllis Chesler This book was emotionally hard to get through but it made me think, rethink about the relationships I have with other woman. Some of those relationships can be difficult, I wasn't taught to have my own personal boundaries and I have had relationships with women where the focus is not about equality and friendship the focus has been on competition. The shadow parts of woman's relationships. What we are taught not to talk about or admit. Indirect aggression, manipulation and denial of our true selves. We are supposed to be so many things but we are not supposed to think or have emotions that make us human or real. We are not supposed to be angry, jealous, envious, afraid, ashamed, or vulnerable. Or have been hurt. What a bunch of B.S.

One of the reasons I have gotten so much from my Mindfulness and Mediation class and doing the SIA steps with my friends is the thought, the learning that we as humans experience every emotion. We don't get to run through the great buffet line of emotions and pick and choose what we will feel. That's running away from ourselves. There is room, space in every single one of us to feel the easier emotions and the more challenging emotions. In fact if we don't allow that space for all of emotions we stifle and suppress the emotions that we associate with light. If we suppress those more difficult emotions we don't see how many choices, growth, and acceptance we actually have in our own lives and the choices, growth and acceptance we have in our own selves. We can feel something and we can pause, we can reflect, write, communicate, make art most importantly, we can take care of ourselves now. I can take care of myself now.

Inspiration

2011-09-04T09:57:00.000-05:00

From Floats In the Flood

Crying Light

Quick Drawings from Yesterday

2011-09-01T12:33:00.000-05:00

Links I Like

2011-08-31T14:31:00.002-05:00

Heather Jerdee 2011

Hi just a quick post and some links
Cycle of Healing
A place for survivors of all types of trauma to speak out about their experiences.
All are welcome to post on this blog with us so far we have just had females but we love to have men join us too.
You can email us at cycleofhealing@gmail.com if you want to join us.

Taking Back Everthing
Reclaiming our bodies and identities through the empowering art of self portrait photography.
And like the Cycle of Healing anyone is welcome to join us. Email us at cycleofhealing@gamil.com

Overcoming Sexual Abuse Embracing a New Life
Overcoming Sexual Abuse inspires, empowers, educates & supports male and female survivors of sexual abuse. We hope you participate and share your stories, feelings, victories, defeats, insights, & hopes along the way to embracing your new life. If you know someone else who would benefit from joining us, invite them to come along.

Emerging From Broken
A helpful blog and website that is founded by Darlene Ouimet

Facebook pages
Women Living with PTSD
This is just one of many really good PTSD pages on Facebook.

SHE: Survivor Healing & Empowerment
A healing community for survivors of rape, abuse and sex-trafficking, as well as their allies. SHE is RISING.

A year ago I didn't have a clue that are so many resources on the internet available that could help me and others with healing tramua. And I certainly didn't have a clue that I would be part of something that would help me and others.

Getting myself out isolation has been one of the most important parts of helping me grow and heal. I have to challenge isolation and denial in my life everyday. Thankfully I have the support and friendship that I do. No one is alone ever.

I am on the lookout for groups that deal with creativity, art, trauma and healing. If you know of any feel free to leave me a comment or I'm on Facebook too.

2011-08-30T13:10:00.000-05:00

Heather Jerdee 2011

I'm enjoying taking photos everyday, of myself, friends and the world around me. The immediacy, learning and seeing something different everyday, photography keeps adding more to my life. I am slowly figuring out what I can do and learn about taking photos and like with painting and drawing I have so much I want to learn.

I have been participating in a mindfulness and mediation group since last winter. One of the weeks the homework was to think about and journal something you have accomplished. I thought of something right away, this spring I submitted work for a show I was positive I would not get accepted into. It wasn't about that I thought my art wasn't good enough or anything like that. It's that I was and I am aware of were I am at with my art and how I need to take steps to grow as an artist. I felt my art wasn't ready for the show but I was ready to take a chance to learn more about myself and art through submitting. I did it for the two reasons. Number one, I wanted to put myself through the experience of rejection with my art and learn that I will be o.k. Number two, I wanted stretch myself, there was more information about my art that I had to put together and submit for this show than any other I have participated in. A few of the things my art resume and my artist statement of my art overall, which is something I am still working on and revising quite a bit. I put a lot into the work I submitted and into the submission process and yes, I did not get in. I was sad for about a half an hour and then I was fine.

Since then I have submitted and have/ will be participating in three group shows and I have some other things this week I will be submitting my art to. It was a confidence building experience for me, I am someone who can be terrified of rejection and I faced it head on, to me is an accomplishment.

Today I am going to clean up my studio and make some room for myself to paint. I have some oil paintings that need to be finished up and they are calling my name.

Observing and Losing Myself

2011-08-29T16:06:00.000-05:00

The beautiful little girl in these photos is Lilyanna, she is two. I met her the other night at The Open Your Eyes Event in which some of my art was involved in. The world seemed to be a place full of curiosity, new friends and a safe place to express all kinds of different emotions to her. It was a highlight of my evening to get to know Lilyanna a little bit.
And the woman drawing, I don't know who she is, I took a break from the event and walked around our downtown area to take some photos and I saw her. I thought she was beautiful sitting there drawing.

I personally love this quote

"Beauty has a lot to do with character." Kevyn Aucoin

I Drew This Today.

2011-08-25T19:47:00.002-05:00

From my Sketchbook

Isolate. Not Really.

2011-08-23T15:20:00.000-05:00

Isolate ~ Heather Jerdee 2011

This is my last painting I submitted for the show Fear Itself. I wrote a statement, artist statements are something I am working on so bear with me.

"With these five mixed media paintings I wanted to visually describe my fears of telling others about personal past traumatic experiences.

I see the flowers, soft pastel colors and words as either covering up and minimizing the vulnerability with sharing about these experiences. Or alternately growth, beauty and something real coming from opening up and communicating intimately with others about painful experiences in my life."

I want to keep finding ways to make, share and show my work. Work that is my work and is important to me. I am closing my Etsy shop in a couple of weeks, when I sell my work again online I want to sell it under my name not a shop name. I want to sell/ show work that I make, not make work to sell. I think probably many people can relate to this, I can do many things, wear many hats, make many different things. I have some things I want let go of in my art , follow what I feel is important to make, work on the skills I am passionate about and continue use my work as a tool for healing.

I feel like my work can look like it is done by two different woman. Growing up with abuse and not being able to tell or get help for abuse I felt like my life and who I was, was divided. I have been working on this for the past few years since I have been making art and been therapy. I have been deeply ashamed of this since I was a child.

I haven't been able to see that having different ways of being me was something I needed to do to survive until recently. The words fake and real can be so easily dished out, thoughtlessly said, projected onto others I've been judged this way and I have put others into these compartments also. One of the most painful aspects of having others judge me as fake is I wasn't able to speak about what was going on in my life for so long, allowed to tell or to live my life as it really was. I had to be what others needed me to be and then I always failed at that. Always. I always fail at being what I think others need me to be. For most of my life I have wished I couldn't fail at that, I looked at others who I thought could do that and it seemed like they were more confident, they were happier. They weren't the problem and they were good. They didn't have pain and that's not true, everyone has pain and everyone hurts. I am thankful today that I do fail at these things, really thankful. I think it has been a screwy way for me to find freedom in being myself.

The shame part of me feeling like having to be different versions of myself I am working on, while I am slowly letting go of the self blame of the abuse and the inability to talk about what had happened in my life. It was really what I had to do to survive and keep going on in life. With my Etsy shop I am proud of the work I made and feel that it is a reflection of me but the idea of making work for Meander Through Life doesn't work for me. Nor does putting my drawings that feel more personal on a different blog of mine that doesn't have as many followers as this blog. It took me a year to put my drawings from my other blog on Facebook where more people I knew could see them. I didn't want to show them, I didn't want to think that other people could see those parts of me. I'm not continuing to post on that blog anymore but I am still drawing, I just want from now on to show them on this blog. All of my work can be together. I also just recently wrote on the Cycle of Healing blog, I don't want to feel like I am hiding parts of myself through writing on that blog. When I write something personal on that blog I am to linking it to here and quite often I have been sharing it on Facebook.

I sat outside yesterday and just put lines on paper it felt good, no expectations. And I am getting ready finish up a oil painting because I am going to be switching over a bunch of art at a restaurant in my city that has my art in it. I am excited about this, I have been working on goals I have made for myself and my art this summer. I am almost finished with those goals. And soon it's time to listen, create, make, and follow new ones.

Portraits of Eve

2011-08-19T13:05:00.001-05:00

My family and I last night went over to my friends Eve and Adam's house for dinner. We took photos of each other and then we ate a delicious dinner. Eve is incredibly talented at cooking and baking, having Eve prepare a meal for you is a true gift. Eating at their house is like eating at a gourmet restaurant every time.

Eve and I also are preparing for a garage sale together. I've never had one before, the thought of it has always overwhelmed me. But having one and planning one with a friend is fun and so far feels stress free. We made signs for our garage sale with yummy smelling Mr.Sketch markers last night. Remember those from when you were a kid? Yeah they are pretty great.

Here is my photos of my gorgeous friend Eve

Heather Jerdee ~2011

Bisons and Bats

2011-08-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

The other evening I visited a park that I don't live very far from. I go there quite often to hike in the fall and sometimes I drive through the park just because it's peaceful. The other night I took my camera and the Bison were eating right next to the fence so I got a few photos of them. Then they decided they had enough of me taking photos of them and talking to them and they moved away.

Then I decide to take some photos of an old house the park has kept persevered and as I was taking photos I noticed something flying one by one out of the side of the house. I thought that's a lot of birds and why are they coming out right now. I realized it wasn't birds. It was bats pouring out of the house I was standing right in front of. They were everywhere swooping and flying around me, I was scared and startled but it was exciting. I didn't get any photos of the bats and I contemplating going back soon in the evening to see if I can get photos of the bats or just see them again.

I have been today looking up the symbolism of bison and bats. For bison I found, abundance, blessing, manifestation, feminine courage and stability. For bats I found facing fears and being reborn.

I have struggled a lot this week with letting go of some ways I have coped with being abused. I hope to soon write about it on the Cycle of Healing and link it here but I am not quite ready I think I have to process more about what I am struggling with. Also my friends Jenny, Eve and I are going through the steps of SIA on the phone every day together. It's been good to do this with close friends if we need to cry, laugh at ourselves, repeat parts of what we are reading we can. I have written on this blog that I struggle with PTSD I tend to live emotionally in my past to much of the my time. Having friends who help you remember it's 2011and I am living in the present is enormously helpful and I am so grateful for that. Eve has been posting parts of the steps on the Cycle of Healing blog if you are interested in finding out more. And eventually Eve and I are going to start a SIA group in our city together.

Here's some photos from my evening at Oxbow Park

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Heather Jerdee ~2011

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

Heather Jerdee ~2011

Heather Jerdee 2011

Heather Jerdee ~ 2011

My friend Jenny and I started a self portrait blog a little bit ago and would love others to join us. We have changed the title to TAKING BACK EVERYTHING and the description is reclaiming our bodies through the empowering art of self portrait photography. Our friends Angela and Eve are doing this with us now. If you are interested in joining us you can email us at cycleofhealing@gmail.com.

Tonight I'm off to Eve's house for dinner, friendship and some photo taking.

One More to Go and One Great Evening.

2011-08-13T15:56:00.000-05:00

Schadenfreude - Heather Jerdee 2011

I have one more painting for the Fear show to finish up the rest of this weekend, then I will have five total. Yes!!!!

And last night I attended the artist reception for the Silverwhere show at Crossings where one of my pieces is part of.


Me with my drawing Dine me.

The owner of Crossings, Marie always likes each of the artists to give a brief talk about their artwork they are displaying. I have been in group shows there before so I knew I would have to talk in front of strangers. Not my most favorite thing to do, but I got through it. My description of my artwork was this. I used my husbands grandmothers silverware that we inherited that we have used maybe two times in our ten years of marriage, as the inspiration for the silverware. I thought this could be another way to put it to use, somewhere I imagine this is making my husbands Mother, Grandmother, and great Grandmother happy. I also used images of edible flowers, I love gardening.

After the artist talks we mingled and complemented each others work. It was really fun, sometimes the internet can be lonely, you don't always get feedback or feel connected to other artists or people who appreciate art. I am thankful I have quite a few good friends on the internet that I am connected with and there is a back and forth exchange and support with each others art. But last night getting out of my house and talking in person with others about art felt really, really good. I felt like I am doing not only what I am passionate about and want to do, I felt like it was right, natural, that feels good. And I wore a dress, I have decided I don't wear dresses enough.

My son Keegan with my friend Toni Stevens piece for the show

This is already sold but I would love something like this for my garden. This is by an artist named Dale Lewis

The sunflower on the top opens and closes...so cool! This is by Beth Bacon.

The photos are not spectacular I can multitask when needed but eating, drinking wine, mingling and taking photos, I did the best I could. If you are in the area you might just want to check out all the fabulous work in person.

Crossings.

2011-08-12T10:48:00.000-05:00


Heather Jerdee 20011

Till - Print

I added a new print to my online shop this week. One of my goals is to start to add more to my etsy shop regularly, and I am looking forward to introducing and sharing some of photography work to my online shop soon. I can't wait and I'm really excited about that.

I have two more mixed media paintings I need to finish by the 15th and then I can submit them for the group show at Altered Esthetics. Lots of painting, cutting and gluing going on this weekend. The weather here has been gorgeous so I hope to get outside. I bike ride almost daily but I'd like to get one long bicycle ride in on the weekend.

Tonight also is the opening for the Silverwhere group show I have a piece in. I've got three handsome dates , my husband and two sons, and I also have a little black dress picked out and ready to wear. Yay!

I have been listening to this song by Amanda Palmer over and over, it makes me feel good.

Have a great friday ~ I hope we all get to see beauty in unexpected places.

Inspiration Megan Chapman.

2011-08-10T11:13:00.000-05:00

My friend Megan is an artist who has been inspiring me since I started putting my work on the internet, which was shortly after I started making art again in my life. I think seeing Megan consistently make work that is true to her, and to see how she is not afraid to sell her work has been enormously encouraging. Megan lives solely off the sales of her incredible art. She blogs every Friday and from reading it you get a sense of what her life is like making her art and making a living from her art.

Meagan paints, writes and she takes photos. All of her art is magical and inspiring. " Everyday you paint is a victory." Megan writes that often and I love that.

I own a couple pieces of Megan's art and I eventually would like some more of her work for my home. Here is some links where you can see her work her website , her facebook page, and her Etsy Shop where you can find affordable art of hers.

I love the art of self portraits and here is some of Megan's beautiful ones.

2011-08-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and you laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."
— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Flowers in Black and White, a Link and a Song.

2011-08-07T16:40:00.000-05:00

I blogged over at the Cycle of Healing this afternoon

I'm not all that familiar with Coldplay but I love this song.

I Want to Spell This Out for You.

2011-08-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

What if They Knew

Taboo

Psychic Wound

These are three out of five mixed media paintings I am making for the group show Fear. My friend Jenny wrote a blog post about not being afraid of making your own art

"I think that if we make our honest and real art we are really describing ourselves and our experiences (the only thing we could possibly be describing). When I was "not able to make my art" I was still creating something. When I was not drawing- that work of not drawing- which I so much felt that I wanted to be doing but was unable- that was me saying: I can not bear to see myself. And when we are very critical of our art- we are really being critical of ourselves. And when we feel that we are totally unable to make our work at all... I think we are scared of what we will really say." Jenny. The rest is here.

Last night I felt really vulnerable after putting the Psychic Wound painting up. The lines between art and life can blur, I think ultimately that can be a good thing, a healing thing, but also can be uncomfortable initially and then the next day it becomes work, my work that I have made. Today this is my work that I have made.

And these are waiting for me. I should have took the price tags off for the photo, I did use a coupon though.

I usually use Liquin for a medium when I oil paint or nothing at all. But I am going to start oil painting again and want to do some experimenting and learning. One of my favorite websites to read through and learn about oil painting is Wet Canvas and I also bought a book on oil painting that I want to start reading while I am painting.

Keep on keeping on. Have a good weekend!

Break Time

2011-08-05T14:16:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I found out that my youngest son had head lice. So after treating his head, buzzing all his hair off, treating myself and starting laundry. We headed out to go check my other son's head. He was at a friends house, thankfully for him, his friend and me, he was free and clear.
I decided my younger son and I needed a break and I wanted to take some photos so we stopped at a cemetery and a park. I like taking photos at cemeteries and my son likes parks. It was a win win.

My son Aidan

195 out of 365 Summer

2011-08-04T12:36:00.000-05:00

I started thinking I was going to take a photo everyday last spring, end of April, I quickly figured out I was taking many photos most days. So I am calling this a 365 photo summer or 365 photos until the end of September, that is my goal. I've been learning a lot this way about taking photos, I think it's fun to consistently challenge myself creatively to keep on doing things different. And the only outcome of these so far is to learn and grow.

This self portrait is from Jenny and I's blog. Every time I write or think Jenny and Heather Blog I feel like we need a theme song.
Anyways, Jenny and I had talked a little bit ago that we were going to take photos that would encouraged each other (happier) and some photos we have taken have been that way. But then as we kept on going we have photos where we are hiding our faces and some where we are in the dark. Actually I think it is healing to just take a photo of how we are feeling. It is also about being survivors of incest which is heavy stuff and I have been thinking more and more I want to use these photos as a way to challenge myself more on how I see myself. Healing from sexual abuse is a long path. There are layers of things I thought about myself tied, entangled with sexual abuse and other abuse that I want to challenge, question and break away from. There are things as a women I see about myself and feel about myself that I want to change. Self portraits taken that encourage healing and acceptance and the outcome is to learn and grow.

"Beauty is not caused. It is." ~ Emily Dickinson

Have a creative and imaginative day.

So Far Today

2011-08-03T12:21:00.000-05:00

Have a magical day.

What I am up too.

2011-08-02T11:02:00.000-05:00

Breath On

I.Worth

Keep

Shine

These four paintings are going to be part of the Mission 21 show and Benefit and part of the sale of each of them will be going to Mission 21. They have extended there submission deadline so if you are interested here is a link. I'm excited for my art to be part of this, I think it's a great cause and two of my very close friends volunteer with Mission 21.

I also am working on paintings for another group show at Altered Esthetics. I've been involved in group shows there before and it's always been a good experience.

And last I am involved in Sketch Book Throw Down yay!!! That's on facebook if you want to be a part of filling up your sketch book and sharing with other people on line who are doing the same this month let me know. I am working on a drawing this morning. Have a good creative day!

2011-08-01T15:38:00.000-05:00

I got a Lite Brite from my friend Jenny and this is my first attempt at making art with it. Jenny said it was more difficult to write out words on a lite brite than one would think and she is right. It was going to be Lose Yourself but I shorten it to Lose You, because I kept on making random holes.

Anyways it's stormy and dark here so I have it plugged in and the light is making me feel happy.

I'm going to stop believing you now.

2011-07-31T20:50:00.000-05:00


Fighter

I finished up this drawing today, took a bicycle ride and listened to music. Now I'm off for a second bike ride with a certain adorable eight year old boy I know, my son Aidan :)

I went on a long bike ride today and my camera came along.

2011-07-30T21:38:00.000-05:00

Saturday

2011-07-30T11:29:00.000-05:00

Have a good one today.

Ready to Go

2011-07-29T15:37:00.000-05:00


Dine Me ~ framed.

I just dropped off my piece above for the group show Silverwhere at Crossings at Carnegie. While I was there I took some quick photos of Crossings.

I had a bicycle accident a week ago and have been painting in bed but today I am painting in my studio. And I have lots of painting to do in the next two days :)

Some Photos I've TakenThrough Summer - So Far

2011-07-27T00:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday

2011-07-20T12:16:00.000-05:00

My Mom

It was my Mothers birthday recently. My youngest son, Dad, Mom and I hung out. It was a spontaneous adventure, my Mother and I are like that. She'll call me with and idea or I'll get an idea for an adventure and even though we have a million things we need to do we just ditch them and go for it. Menander together through out the day. My relationship with my mom hasn't always been like this. I just recently told her for the first time I was grateful she was my Mom and last summer she hung up a painting of mine in her house for the first time.
My family has been through a lot, it's hard to write it all out in just a few blog posts. I grew up in a christian family and my father is a minister I can get defensive and want to shut people out because I have always worried about judgment and protecting my family. My family is/was just a family, a family that is now working itself out of denial and facing a lot of pain and mistakes from the past. We are doing this together and that's something I am truly grateful for.

My Mother has given me a gift, her own courage, vulnerability and love; sometimes people can really change. If she can change, grow and learn still as a Mother so can I.

These are some photos I took yesterday of a house we toured that has been restored in Mantorville Minnesota.

Catching Up

2011-07-18T13:12:00.001-05:00

Print available here

Most people confuse " Self-knowledge with knowledge of conscious ego personalities. Anyone who has any ego consciousness at all takes it for granted that he knows himself. But the ego knows only it's own contents, not the unconscious and it's contents. ~ Carl Jung , The Undiscovered Self.

I have a few things I am working on this summer, my friend Jenny and I started a 365 day self portrait project here. She noticed that no one had claimed the title Survivors of Incest.com on the internet,so she did. I love about Jenny ~ just do it! And this is what we are doing with it right now, growing and encouraging each other through a self photo diary. I also have been contributing to the Cycle of Healing blog with many others. I just wrote today how being a part of this is helping me to release so much shame that I have felt about who I am for as long as I can remember . A big change and growth for me that I have been needing and wanting.

I am also working on a painting to be submitted for part of a group show benefiting this local group. If you are in the Rochester Minnesota area and would like to submit let them know :)

Last I have been taking photos galore, I like taking photos.

In my studio ~ the unicorns were my Grandmothers.

Flora in Black and White

2011-07-08T10:49:00.000-05:00

I got a dslr camera last spring and while I have always enjoyed photography, having this new camera has been like opening up a new world for me. I have a flickr page and I have joined the 365 project so everyday I am shooting photos, trying to learn more about photography and what all I can do with this camera. It's pure fun.

Also yesterday I posted the long version of a video of my friend Jenny making art, I meant to post the shorter version :) I love both versions here is the 4 min one

Each one of us from Giulio Tami on Vimeo.

Inspiration and Friendship ~Jenny Sawle

2011-07-07T10:19:00.000-05:00

Jenny Sawle - The Wall Project @ Fondazione Claudio Buziol from Andrea Molino on Vimeo.

I am grateful this woman is part of my life... she is incredible .

Dine Me

2011-07-06T19:43:00.000-05:00

Dine Me

This is my submission for a group show called Sliverwhere that is coming up at a local gallery Crossings at Carnegie.

‎"Remembering and telling the truth about terrible events are prerequisites both for the restoration of the social order and for the healing of individual victims. The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma." Trauma and Recovery , Dr Judith Lewis Herman.

Someone posted this quote yesterday on the Cycle of Healing blog, it stuck with me all day than I remembered last night I had just read that book last winter over a vacation with my family to Colorado. I also read a book by Alice Miller.
Shortly after reading those book I had a memory come back from my childhood. One I didn't want, I have been scared to have any memories come back. I remember enough as it is. For a long time I denied that I had more memories and then I quit denying that. I couldn't argue with myself that I was triggered by so many things that made no sense. There is/was this feeling like my whole world would feel like it was shifting around me and something wanted out. I would just stop myself , tell myself not to deny it but be relieved nothing was coming back. This last winter one day that didn't work and a memory came back.
Having a memory come back is sort of like finding a t-shirt that you got a long time ago and got stuffed to the back of your drawer and you pull it out one day. And you think" oh yeah I forgot I had that but I now I remember it." Only it's not a t-shirt it's something that's painful and disrupts your life for some time. In many of the memories I have, I'm not in them. Physically I was there in those moments of time but mentally and emotionally I wasn't. I dissociated.
I am learning quite a bit at the moment about how I dissociated and how that as an adult that has been and still is a part of my life. Many of things I am learning in my meditation and mindfulness group are helping me accept and feel safe in my mind and my own skin. Something I can't ever remember feeling.
I also have been going through some huge personal changes and growth since starting the Cycle of Healing with my friends, we all have. We keep on talking about the changes we are all going through, issues we could not get through on our own. Isolation is always something I've known well, it's been a friend. And not a helpful one. Everyday is new day for me to open up, share, connect, cry, scream, rage, whatever... with someone else.

Dedicated to The Unknown

2011-06-29T20:32:00.001-05:00


Dedicated to The Unknown

I am part of something... a blog Cycle of Healing and we also have a Facebook page. The blogs description - This blog is a place for survivors of any trauma to write, make art and speak out about their lives. Anyone is welcome to contribute either as themselves or anonymously. The email is cycleofhealing@gmail.com. We have had multiple people each day contributing and joining the Facebook page. I just blogged over there. It's been an incredibly encouraging, hopeful and supportive experience. I hope to be writing about the start of this soon, four other woman and I are so passionate about this.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."~ Maya Angelou

Imagine

2011-06-13T16:00:00.001-05:00

Abuse of power is abuse of power. Whether it happens with a government, race, religion, work place, school, or in a family. It happens. It happens all over the world and can be happening right next door to you. I've been following Jenny Sawle's blog Art Constellation since last fall and when I came across the t-shirt below she made I cried, I cried hard. There have been so many times I have wanted to say something like this but have felt powerless to do so I've felt the shame, the word taboo. Incest/molestation is too scary to be true when having conversations with others I should be quiet, I should behave better. You don't need to see my internal emotional wounds or my outward actions that show you how I am coping with that wound. You may judge or condemn, or think I'm a liar, or it just might be to much for you. The judgement, condemnation or disbelief it may still wound me but I have so many other things in my life to focus on. Good things, healing things, experiences, and good people. I'm here, a little bent up from wear and tear, but I'm alright. If it's to much for you, I can't take care of your feelings about my experience or am I responsible for your feelings of my life and experiences. It takes too much of a toll.

Trauma I've read as defined -normal people going through abnormal experiences. I now in my life know 25 some people who have been through abuse... many sexual. I count many of them as my dearest closet friends. I have also have close friends who haven't been through abuse but yet still listen, stand with me, accept me and share their struggles in life with me. I remember as a little girl feeling like an alien and thinking of stories in my head to make sense of that feeling because I couldn't make sense or understand what was happening to me. As a teenager and in my twenties I largely felt like a void internally and personalized all the bad that happened to me internally. I still feel that way at times, except now I feel many other things too. A shift, a movement slow and steady started when I became pregnant with my oldest son, he is now twelve. If he is worth everything to me and I am carrying him how can I not be worth something? I couldn't argue with that thought. In my wildest dreams, until the last few years I never imagined that I would have so many people in my life being supportive and caring. It's mutual and I'm very grateful, how I see the world and people around me is constantly evolving.

Through commenting on Jenny's blog I met my friend Eve, Eve lives in the same city I do, Eve blogs here. I met Jenny in person this last weekend. Eve and her wonderful husband Adam, yes Adam and Eve :) had a party at their house. My family and I had such a great time. I also got to meet Jenny's sweet, creative boyfriend Christoper and another friend of theirs Jessiah, Jessiah blogs here. And some other new wonderful friends. The thing about all three of these woman Eve, Jenny, and Jessiah they are as real and beautiful in person as they are in their writings on their blogs.

Now I have to get ready for baseball, we have baseball games four nights a week between my two sons. Summer is well underway at our house

imagine how

2011-06-13T15:55:00.001-05:00

imagine how, a photo by artconstellation on Flickr.

I Reopened My Online Shop

2011-06-08T13:26:00.000-05:00

Not Supposed to/ I am

Lost

Magic 3

Gift 3

Life has been full, I reopened my Etsy shop and I have been up to a few other things. Last weekend my good friend Amber let me crash with her in her tent at a local art fair in town. And I had a great, relaxing time, I made new connections, new friends and I sold something. Yay! To sit there, observe, and interact with others viewing my art in person was a real positive experience. I wasn't sure about doing art fairs but hanging out, outdoors with other artists and crafters listening to music was... well... fun. Afterwards we had dinner and beers at a restaurant Sontes that has some of my art in it. I've been wanting to change my art over to some of my newer art that I've been making, I'm very grateful for Sontes and the owner Tessa, she is open to all sorts of art and truly loves art. So I am working on getting some new pieces to her too and I also have a few other group shows I am planning on being part of too.

And I have been in individual therapy regularly and since January I have been involved in a mindfulness and mediation group that meets weekly. Embracing, accepting, and being with my emotions, thoughts, feelings, and my physical body can be enormously challenging for me. I've left group a few times crying and scared. And then I am reassured that that's where I need to be and just going to group and being open is where and what I need to do. That's all. Sometimes, I feel that what I am learning and internally growing with, just needs to stop for a moment. What I am learning with mindfulness and mediation can seem to me so different than what I am used to. Stillness, compassion for yourself like you show compassion for others, self forgiveness, and interpretation verses experience - and much more. I am reminded that just breathing just focusing on the breath for a few moments counts. Whatever I can do counts. Process... just keep being open.

One last thing have you seen this? You might have... it's everywhere on the internet but if not, it makes me laugh and than it makes me laugh again.

Taboo Plaque

2011-03-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

2011-03-10T12:28:00.004-06:00

Image credit mrmikej

My Other Blog

2011-03-04T21:40:00.000-06:00

I have changed my other blog to be more fitting for what it really is, what it's purpose is for me. I didn't really know what would happen with it when I started it and it took on a life of it's own. I don't consider it to be a sketchbook blog, more of a impulsive emotive place I have created for myself. A visual diary or a sorts of drawings, photos, quotes, and music I enjoy. A place I can get things out and start making meaning of things that sometimes I have a hard time verbalizing or writing about. I am taking down some of links that I had up on my other blog , they are great blogs with loads of wonderful art so I want to post them here and share.

http://littledrawings.blogspot.com/

http://blog.jilliantamaki.com/

http://ohmycavalier.blogspot.com/

http://www.anopensketchbook.com/

Three Seven

2011-03-03T07:59:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was my birthday I am now 37, I am a person who likes getting older the older I have become the more I accept who I am. And I have a whole lot more of accepting to do ...so getting older is a good thing :)

I can't quit listening to this song by Andrew Bird

From the other end of the hallway a rythm was generating

2011-03-02T08:34:00.000-06:00

Micheal Stipe description when he first bought and listened to Horses. " Tore my limbs off and put them back on in a different order. I was like ' shit yeah, oh my god!' then I threw up."

5 " x 7" Paper Painting

2011-03-01T08:11:00.000-06:00

Magic 1

It's not much but my money's on you

2011-02-28T11:46:00.000-06:00

I love singing Dixon's Girl on the radio in my car or when I'm doing dishes. I've been listening to more of Dessa's music and I'm getting into it big time, her lyrics, her voice.

I'm working on another 5x7 paper painting right now and then I want to finish another mixed media oil painting up. I also hope to reopen up my Etsy shop last year I took a break from trying sell anything, in fact it will be a just about a year. I was discouraged but I didn't give up or better put, my art didn't give up on me. I kept up my other blog which I call a sketchbook blog but I don't feel that has been the right description. Visual diary, art therapy, automatic art, whatever I needed at the time to get out emotionally I did right at the moment. I still need that blog, I still need to know I have my pencils and black sketchbook to work out difficult emotions, demons.

" Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads." Erica Jong

Amy Sedaris

2011-02-27T12:33:00.000-06:00

The weather here is bothering me, snow and grey.

I found this while peeking around on TeenAngster's blog.

I think I might try this craft with my kids sometime.

Here is a link to Amy Sedaris YouTube channel. There is one video about a rake and hot dogs that I found hilarious and I also liked The Dynamite Stixx because we have pet rabbits.

I'm gonna go put my boots and ipod on and go for a walk through the snow with my dogs.

Some of My BFFs.

2011-02-26T12:12:00.000-06:00

Herbie is my cat who I've had for eighteen years, Herbie knows everything about me. The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Jagr our pug who is a wonderful, lazy, and calm dog for my two energetic son's.

Suki on the bottom,is my little Toto. She may look like a fufu dog but looks can be deceiving. She loves long hikes and puddles.

And while I was eating my pancakes and drinking my coffee this morning, I came across this clip about the Wizard of Oz on Youtube. And it made me laugh, oh Margaret Hamiliton and those scary flying Monkeys. :)

Kelly Gough ~ Inspiration

2011-02-24T09:23:00.000-06:00

PTSD is not my Fault

Flag

Detritus

Myth Real

This is work by Kelly Gough another artist and blogger whose blog and art I find incredible, inspiring, and relatable. She also has a flicker site here.

What If they knew

2011-02-23T10:10:00.000-06:00

Letting More Go

2011-02-23T08:45:00.000-06:00

Vacation

2011-02-21T13:36:00.000-06:00

The Stanley Hotel in Estes Park Colorado, where Stephen King was inspired to write The Shining, and a herd of Elk.

Last year it was a goal of mine to go on a vacation out of the state I live in, Minnesota. Which I did with my two sons and parents over Christmas. We visited my sister, brother in law, and my two nieces who live in Fort Collins Colorado. I was actually hoping to go on two vacations last year, another to Oregon to visit my talented, artist friend Amy who I have never met in person yet I just know her from the internet, we met on Myspace. One of my my goals/hopes for 2011 is go visit her.

My twelve year old's drawing of a airplane while we were flying.

This vacation was a big deal for my family, in 2009 I was estranged with them until two days before Christmas and that was not the first time I had been estranged from them. I hope to write more about the changes that have gone in my family in more blog posts, we have been through a lot I know other people can relate with that. But for now I'm just gonna write about my vacation.

My Sister, my two sons and me at the airport.

I didn't know this but the Denver International Airport is full of art, I ran around and manged to look at lot of it but if I am at the Denver airport again I'm going to plan on spending more time there looking around.

All of us except my sister she was taking the photo... yes I am the dork enthusiastically waving.

These photos were taken in Estes Park.

The Denver Art Museum.

The highlight of the trip was visiting the Denver Art Museum with my twelve year old son, parents, and niece Annaka who is nine. We went to see an exhibit about King Tutankhamun and were able to spend the whole day at the museum. The exhibit was fascinating but really, really crowded. I took the two kids with me and we looked as best as we could and plowed on through. At one point there was a woman who was standing directly in front of one of the cases containing some artifact of some sort, with her nose about an inch from the glass. I started getting really annoyed "How Rude!" I thought, then I heard my niece call "Auntie", and I noticed my niece mimicking the woman on the other side of the room. My niece continued to do this and made me laugh through out the rest of the exhibit. Now if the woman had poor eyesight I do apologize for making fun of her but if she was just hogging the space around King Tuts treasures, than it was fun to laugh.

When we were finished looking at the King Tut exhibit we had all sorts of time to wander around the museum, I suggested we start at the top floor and work our way down. The top floor was the modern and contemporary art floor and I was stoked to start there.

Honestly only one of the few things my parents know about art I enjoy, is Andy Warhol. The only reason for this is I have a set of cheap Andy Warhol dishes I got at a fundraiser garage sale for free. Because I was helping out and nobody else knew or cared who Andy Warhol was. My friend asked how my dishes with the ketchup bottles on them were doing and I nicely reminded her that they were Campbell soup cans, I think she thought this was funny. Little did she know that Andy Warhol also made art about ketchup.

My mother loves to collect dishes so I told her about the dishes and a little about Andy Warhol. Also we live in Rochester Minnesota and we have the Mayo Clinic here, which is a large clinic and has lots of art in it. Down one of the hallways, there are Andy Warhol prints that he made about endangered animals( by the way, Andy Warhol never met an animal he did not like). Every time we go to the Doctor we see get to see art by Andy Warhol, I point them out to my sons and my mother has told me she looks at the Andy Warhol's too.

My niece Annaka and I.

Getting back to my vacation, I was thrilled that we all could look at art together and I could share with my family my love of art and certain artists that are inspiring me now, that my family is not aware of. The very best part of that day was my nine year old niece being curious about a Barbara Kruger piece and wanting to talk about it with me. It was so much fun, my niece Annaka is one smart kid and silly beyond silly.

Last photo, my other niece Kat who is fourteen, stunning, and suddenly very grown up. I like this photo of her. She wants to go to school in New York when she graduates and be an actress on Broadway. As her aunt I know she can do anything she sets her mind too.

Today I'm working on finishing up a painting, my sons are home from school, and I want to start some flower seeds. Moon Flower and Zinnias.

Have a good day :)

Tonight

2011-02-18T21:41:00.000-06:00

Powerful, Graceful, and Heartbreakingly Beautiful.

2011-02-18T08:41:00.006-06:00

This is from Jessica Hirst you can learn more about her incredible art here and her writing about her life here.

Happy Valentines Day

2011-02-14T08:39:00.000-06:00

I 've had this song on my ipod since last summer.

   The day that my husband and I got married was a stormy day with high winds sometimes I think about how fitting the weather was, it was like a hurricane in Minnesota. I don't believe my hurricane marriage struggles are any different than most marriages I know or have read about. We just don't like to talk about the struggles, when things are hard, or when things don't work, it feels like failure.

   My husband and I went through a separation last summer, through the separation we both had to develop insight on how we each, and together, have to look at many things different in our relationship. If both of us didn't do this I know our marriage would not have survived. Issues we never worked on in our marriage and hard conversations we never had, we did have and still are. There were also issues that I kept on trying to to understand about myself that now I have been understanding more and more. Most of the time I want to understand these things, sometimes I don't. Same thing with my marriage.

   One thing I've been learning about myself is I have a massive fear of abandonment, and at the same time I am fearful to open to others about it. If I get a whiff of rejection or abandonment coming, real or imagined ( it doesn't matter), I tend to have a me first attitude. While not all the issues we are working through are my baggage, this particular issue of mine certainly hasn't been helpful for our marriage or other relationships I have or had. The thing about the me first and fears of abandonment they were largely were buried in my subconscious for a lot of my life, now I see them clearer and am conscious of them. I have had some real "Oh My God that's what I've been not wanting to deal with for so long, no wonder why!" moments. Honestly they are sucky epiphany moments but necessary and I guess I am ready. In therapy we talk about the peeling of onion and I'm peeled to this point. I'm learning slowly to make different choices when I recognize these fears coming up. Slowly, because doing something different and healthier acknowledges the pain, and these fears of rejection and avoidant behavior have affected the quality of my life. Also I'm sick of it, really sick of it.

   I named my first painting for the year Dedicated to Unknown, last year I had a painting called Trust and wanted to learn more about trusting myself and others. I learned so much about how much I do trust and also how much this was and is a area of life I need to grow in.

   Something I love and trust about my husband and our relationship is we give each other the freedom and support to pursue our dreams.

   Something since this last summer I've learned to say to my husband is, I need you.

"Just light a candle for the kids, Jesus Christ don't keep it hid!"

2011-02-11T09:50:00.000-06:00

Be engulfed in the music.

Dedicated to The Unknown

2011-02-10T08:56:00.004-06:00

                                                              Dedicated to The Unknown
                                                              Mixed media and Oil
                                                                    36"x24"

5 " x 7" Paper Paintings ~ Gift 1 & Gift 2

2011-02-07T12:29:00.004-06:00

2010-12-14T21:45:00.000-06:00

My two sons, my oldest son's best friend, and I decorated a wreath tonight. Silver spray paint and gold beads, I think it's just what our front door needs this year.
Below is a photo of the wreath holder, Aidan :)

2010-12-09T15:47:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile since I've updated this again. I am painting and I've been figuring out a schedule for myself, a flexible one, so that most days I'm doing something with my art. I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself , I'm taking my time and trusting the things that I want learn about how I make my art and what I learn through the process of making my art. I also have some other things going on my life, I've made art and written in my blog that I experienced sexual abuse as a child, and I've been seeing a therapist on and off for the last two years. In fact, a few months after I started therapy I started this blog, my art and both blogs have been a big part of opening up about my life. This last summer and fall I've had a change in how I view my own experience with abuse, a strong push to start letting go more of the internalized shame, and guilt I feel. I needed to start understanding the extent of anxiety and fear I feel and how often. I knew of PTSD and had read about it but never connected myself to having it or how I have been dealing with the experiences I have had. The thought that I had went through experiences that were traumatic and I had no responsibility or no control of are still hard for me to accept. That acceptance seems to bring out more of fear and anger I've been working through for quite some time. On the other hand it re frames everything; emotions, thoughts and judgments I've had about myself and how I have dealt with this. I've learned some healthy ways to consistently manage my emotions making art, walking , keeping a journal, getting help, opening up and communicating about my life. I also have other ways to regulate my emotions that I want to change and I'm understanding those more and seeing more hope. I'm also seeing more ways I can find peace with myself, ways I found resilience in my life experiences and a determination to keep myself grounded in that.